There are very things that I would consider to be actual “pet peeves”, but choosing to say a word and then censoring the word with unpronounceable characters is definitely one. Specifically I mean when people say things like “Isn’t it sh_tty when…” or “I am so f@cking mad that…”

Content warning: this post is going to discuss, and occasionally use, foul language.

My response used to be to put a random letter into the missing space, like “Shotty is actually spelled ‘shoddy’” or “‘shmtty’ isn’t a real word.”

But anymore I just write a briefer “You can say ‘shitty’ on reddit” (or whatever platform we’re on). Others respond in similar ways:

• you can say ass on reddit
• you can say shit on reddit
• you can say fuck on reddit
• you can say sex on reddit

Many other words evoke those kinds of responses too.

And apparently, I’m not alone in being annoyed by this!

Definition, Pronouncability, and Intention

Let’s be real specific here.

I’m talking about these use cases:

• I don’t want to be a sh*tty person by saying this, but (…)
• I am so f*cking pissed that my neighbor (…)
• Do you guys ever think about s*x when you’re at (…)
• (Image posts where a letter has been obscured by an emoji, or similar)

and not these use cases:

• My teen just said "f*ck you" to me, and I don’t know what to do
• When you’re doing karaoke, are you ok saying "n****r" during (…)
• I think my best friend was just r@p3d by her roommate

Here are my personal criteria for this:

Defining self-censoring

Differentiating self-censoring from sanitizing your language:

A good rubric is that if the word, as written, is not pronounceable as a word because the phonemes are disrupted by non-alphabetical characters, or where the replacements are letters but are not the correct letters for the word, they’re just sufficient to convey what the intended word was without actually using the correct letters.

(Spelling is hard, too. If you mean to write "damn" but spell it "dam" because you didn’t know about the silent “n”, that’s not self-censoring).

There is an element of intentionality here – the writer wants the credit of signaling they are using the “cool, bad word” but without the responsibility for having used it.

What I do not consider problematic

Similarly, there are cases where this kind of self-censorship is appropriate. These cases typically map similar to “fair use” doctrine situations:

• self-censoring when you are quoting someone who is saying something you are not comfortable saying yourself
• self-censoring when you are discussing something that is a problematic word, such as a racial slur or specifically referencing a traumatic / assault word.

In the latter case, you should censor it or put it behind spoiler text.

Again, the intentionality: the writer recognizes the word is contextually problematic but also can’t discuss the word as a subject without referencing it sufficiently.

Malice, Cowardice and Laziness

To be absolutely clear, I am not saying everyone needs to curse, use expletives, etc. I am 100% fine with people choosing to use clean language, and I respect that decision! I intentionally use cleaner language around my kids (usually) and in mixed company, and definitely when someone says they prefer it. If you never curse, this is not directed at you!

My argument is similar to Louis CK’s1 rant about "The N-Word": not the word it is referencing, but literally “the N-word” itself (CW: the source material is both NSFW and also egregiously features the referenced word multiple times). His complaint is that by saying literally "the N-word", you’re making him fill in the actual word in his head.

Let’s unpack some cases:

You aren’t comfortable actually using it

Think this through: you’re aware this is a “bad word,” consider it to be so bad your personal moral code prevents you from using it.

So instead, you use the self-censored version and then the reader subconsciously has to replace it with the correct word – you’ve thus managed to get someone else to say the word for you in their head.

This is some cowardly bullshit.

Remedy:

1. Use the fucking word
2. Sanitize your language

It’s against the rules

In this case, the forum, subreddit, community, etc., expressly requests that users use clean language. These sorts of rules are generally in place to curate a particular vibe context.

By choosing to use foul language but self-censoring to loophole your way past the rule, you’re deciding that your preference to add bad-vibes to the community’s context is more important than what the community prefers.

Remedy:

1. Say the damn word and catch the ban
2. Sanitize your language and respect your community

You’re trying to dodge a content filter

This is similar, and of the three, it’s the one I have the most sympathy for. Certain platforms like the clock app, the facebox, and others, will have automatic moderation if certain words come up. This has created a whole bunch of weird habits around pre-emptively censoring words that may or may not actually flag content. I’ve seen sex, male, girls all get disrupted like this.

I find bot moderation of language to be inherently problematic because of how it naturally shapes language. Automoderation of content feels a bit like imposing morality on a userbase and I don’t feel great about that. Words like "sex" really have no business being pre-emptively censored, and anyone maintaining these platforms should be aware that their scripts aren’t actually stopping the language from being used, they’re just making it ridiculous.

However! My points above still apply here, choose your fate:

1. Own the sexy fucking word and say it.
2. Sanitize your language

Closing Thoughts

I’ve described expletives to my kids as being “spicy words” – they’re words that you can occasionally pepper into your language use to add excitement, interest, and shape. Too much spice makes the language unpalatable though, so it’s important to find the balance.

While there is something to be said about civility, and considering the subtext of saying certain words in certain ways, at the end of the day they are merely words, and really, those words say a lot more about the person saying them than the people hearing them. If your word choice results in a response you don’t like, then that’s on you.

But don’t try and “technically I didn’t say it” loophole your way.

That’s just shitty.

See Also / Sources

1. yes, I know – he’s problematic. Separate the art from the artist, here.